We Will Always Miss Them

      Oh what this Covid-19 has done to every human on this earth! If you’re not changed by this series of viruses engulfing our space you are a hard ass person. The fences we have drawn and results we are enduring is mind boggling. 

I lost someone from this shit virus recently. Someone who touched my life nearly 50 years ago….we were as one for 3-4 years and then some but in the most naive manner, you know when life was taken for granted, uncaring, security created by our parents home, not our own. Never thinking of tomorrow.

So why do I still wish him to be here, not for me, but for his life, for his wife, for his adult kid(s)? I mean I couldn’t wait to leave him, or for him to stay away. You see, back then when life was quick and filled with uncertainty for the future we lived as fast as a ridiculous commercial! 

His promises were empty, I knew that then but you stayed, all the while I always knew I would not marry him, nor bear his child. It was because we lived stutteringly that I ran fast as soon as I could only to remain lost about love and caring, and even commitment. Not a clue! I did that a couple more times in my life, sadly.

Today, because of him, because of the naive me, I do life for me, for my trust is only with me. I’ve been disappointed by him and other loves since and long enough, that I can only truly love me now.

Yet, I’m grieving for his loss in life. The regret, of what he’s lost also. I think it’s really just the time I’m in. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is where I relate my grieve to this feeling, to where I’m at now.

Where physiological needs are listed on the bottom of this chart, you know the need to be fed, to sleep, to be cared for. My parents did that well. I know for certain his parents did that too. I saw that first hand. He may have received a bit more coddling than I did by his parents but you get the idea. 

Now Abraham Maslow back in the 1940’s wrote in this chart, Self-actualization as the tip top height of one’s needs. I’m there now! I feel my Esteem and my Safety are in check but not my Belonging related to this pyramid.

You see, I’ve lost my daughter too so the Belonging part of Maslow’s hierarchy is wrenching at me these days. It’s sort of the same feeling I’m having in grieving my first “love” back in the late 70’s. 

But thankfully my daughter is alive and well! She just resents my life and how I went about bringing her into this world. Wondering if….you know, if I had a different opinion on that subject with my love from the 70’s….we were still allowed choice back then, how would that life had played out.

I chose this daughter and I chose this son to be here today. To live like I did, to feel like I did, and understand it was nothing more than a life, good, bad, or ugly. Play it, live it my children!

I feel that choice I made for them (as we all really do not get a choice to be here), was not in vain nor naive but really it fell to that way. I love my kids and regret how I let things go to where they keep to themselves today, resulting in a negative need of Belonging like the Maslow chart indicates we should be.

So as I am grieving, I’m also saying, Damnit!, my young once lover, why didn’t you care more for yourself, your health, your future, your family’s?  With you in mind or physically in front of you, we remember each other and those days stick to our minds regardless of the outcome. 

I could tell 4 months ago when I saw you. That was a very flattering yet brief moment in time and now you’re gone. Life can be so fucking cruel. And we are cruel to it as well.

My loss for my brother 7 years ago, was it? If he was a part of this pandemic, oh God he’d not done well. He hated using his credit card online! He might have endured the isolation we first had, but ultimately the unknown, the misinformation, he wouldn’t have liked that.

So I am grateful my brother left before my first love did, they were good buddies, albeit not a healthy good buddy at times, but there was that thread of life I was a part of and I will always miss them for their life that I was a part of, the ways that formed me, aided in my decisions, and holds me today at the top of the hierarchy in a reassuring manner. For me at least.

I’d love to be back on that side stage guys, listening to you two play in your band. 

Hold a place for me, meanwhile Rest In Peace.